When Adney was born, I was overwhelmed with love for the kid. I instantly fell in love with him from the moment he was placed in my arms. It gave me a whole new perspective and understanding of how much my parents loved me and also how much our Savior loves each of us. It was a truly defining moment in my life. And one that was repeated and intensified and appreciated even more when I had Cammon.
I am also understanding some of the other feelings my parents had lately. My siblings and I were not always easy to parent. We were stubborn and disobedient and spiteful and manipulative at times (All 7 of us). And I remember seeing my parents (my mother in particular) get frustrated and angry and disappointed. But I never really understood. I never understood just how hard it is to be a parent. But lately, I am getting a taste of it. And I am sure it will only get harder as my children get older.
Adney has reached a new stage (or at least that's what I'm calling it). He lies, he hits, he throws tantrums, he steals things, he pees his pants at least 3 times a day (and sometimes on purpose), he is sneaky, and manipulative. He is overly emotional about the simplest of things. I don't know what to do. I find myself on my knees several times a day just praying that I won't hurt him (I feel like a terrible person for admitting to that, but its true) and begging for more patience and understanding on how to teach this kid. And for any of you who personally know Adney, he is characteristically kind and gentle and even tempered. It is like he took a 180. Where did my sweet boy go? And how do I get him back?
I have tried giving him as much 1 on 1 attention as possible. I have tried disciplining him. I have tried ignoring bad behavior. I have tried time outs and sending him to his room. I feel like I have tried everything I know and then some. And yet he seems to be spiraling more and more out of control. I am sure it has to do with some insecurity of his. Maybe having a new little brother who steals his spot light? Or maybe he is just getting cabin fever really badly? I feel like there might be something that I am missing, but I can't put my finger on it.
Being a parent is a seriously humbling experience. It makes me realize every fault and inadequacy I have. I need advice. And encouragement. And more advice. And maybe a visit from a parenting specialist. And maybe a time out myself. Help!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
I wish I could offer some good advice but being a first time mom, it's all new to me. All I know is that it is good to get out of the house, and it is good to make time just for yourself. Keep praying for strength and patience and the Lord will help you figure things out.
First of all, you are a wonderful mother! And I hate admitting it, but I have also had to hold myself back so I don't hurt my kids sometimes as well. My kids have gone through this same phase that Adney is in right now. Don't worry...it is just a phase and it will pass. Timeouts and spankings don't really work for my kids either, but positive reinforcement works really well. Wait for Adney to do something good and then really praise him and tell him how happy it makes you. It will help you realize all the good little things he does and make him feel better too. That will help him get attention from his mom for good behavior and not bad and hopefully things will take a turn back to the better. I hope this helps. Just remember, I think every parent and child goes through this phase...you are not alone. :-)
First of all, you are a wonderful mother! And I hate admitting it, but I have also had to hold myself back so I don't hurt my kids sometimes as well. My kids have gone through this same phase that Adney is in right now. Don't worry...it is just a phase and it will pass. Timeouts and spankings don't really work for my kids either, but positive reinforcement works really well. Wait for Adney to do something good and then really praise him and tell him how happy it makes you. It will help you realize all the good little things he does and make him feel better too. That will help him get attention from his mom for good behavior and not bad and hopefully things will take a turn back to the better. I hope this helps. Just remember, I think every parent and child goes through this phase...you are not alone. :-)
Usually, the child who has been replaced by a new baby acts out, like Adney is doing, and contrary to popular belief, it doesn't usually start until a couple of months after the new baby comes. I think this is just a phase he is going through to try to assert his independence, but also to get your attention. Cammon is taking away much of Adney's previous mom time.
Just remember to hug him lots, especially when he gets in trouble, and try to do stuff with him when you can. Especially try to stay off the computer when he is awake (I know it is hard!). He needs to know that he is still loved. I used to ask my kids, "Who is my favorite Andrew" or whatever the child's name was. They seem to like that, because they feel like a favorite, but there is still room for more favorites.
Don't be too hard on yourself either. Parents are learning, just like our children are.
Just remember, it is a phase, and should pass before you know it!
Miriam I haven't gone through this with Rhett but I have gone through similar situations my 5 year old nephew while my brother (who is a single parent) goes to school. Just remember you are a great parent. I have felt like a bad aunt and babysitter when I have gotten really frustrated with my nephew.
One thing that we did the next day after a REALLY frustrating day, was to make a chart with 5 rules (1 rule for every year): 1.Don't hit or kick, 2. Do as you are told, 3. No back talk, 4. Use "Please" and "Thank You", 5.Be kind to others. I printed them all pretty for me and anyone else who watches him to see as well. And since my nephew doesn't know how to read all the words then I found graphics online for him to paste on to another paper. Then for each rule I put 5 stars on a sheet of paper and for every day that he gets a star. And once he has five stars then he gets a predetermined reward. So for the ones that are really hard for him we set the reward that was the most wanted. So far he hasn't gotten too many stars but I find myself less frustrated and my nephew seems less irritated.
I took a lot of advice from this
Oh dear Miriam! My thoughts are your thoughts exactly! Kyla went through this stage about 5 months ago for about 3 or 4 months. It was extremely hard and frustrating and I didn't know what to do it make it through the day but somehow we made it!! I think you're a wonderful Mom and doing amazing!! I agree with JeriLyn...Kyla responds really well to positive reinforcement too so even if the results of her behavior didn't turn around quickly, I think after a while it helped. Maybe you can have an Adney Day. Have Adney pick out everything he wants to do for the day and go along with it. Have him pick his meals, what he wants to do, where he wants to go, (maybe give him 2 options to pick from if he can't think of anything) and just do it! I've done this with Kyla a couple times and it seems to be much better afterwards.
One other thing about the accidents (which Kyla did too) is that my Aunt who has a Phd in Child Psychology said that when kids start having accidents after they've been doing really good on the potty, it usually means that they miss how things were when they were in diapers, so in your case, before Cammon was born most likely. He probably misses the fact that he (like you said) isn't the "spotlight". Anyway, one suggestion she gave me was to talk about it. I asked Kyla why she was having accidents..she didn't know of course but I kept asking her questions to find out more of how she felt. I had her help me come up with a solution and we tried to work at it together and it seemed to work great after a couple weeks!
Obviously our children aren't exactly the same so you keep doing what you're doing and find out what works best for you! I promise he'll come out of it!! It might seem forever, but it'll happen! Good luck Miriam!
And, seriously, give me a call if you want a break and I can watch your kids for awhile while you have some YOU time or if you want a girls day/hour/night. Let me know!!
Oh Miriam! My thoughts are your thoughts exactly! Kyla went through most of that exact thing a few months ago for about 3 months! I have news to tell you that it WILL be over soon! It might seem forever, but it will be over before you know it. I think you're an amazing mother you are doing you're best and that's all that matters!
I agree with Jerilyn about positive reinforcement. Kyla responds really well to that too. Something else maybe could be to have an Adney Day. Have Adney pick eveything he wants to do for one day and just go along with it. He can pick his meals, where he wants to go, what he wants to do and then do it. I've done that with Kyla a couple times and it seems to work fairly well.
Also, if you want a break, seriously give me a call and I can watch your kids for you while you go relax and have some YOU time or we can do a girls day/hour/night anytime too! Just let me know! Good luck Miriam! You're Awesome!
First of all...little boys are stinkers! Karsen did the same exact thing a few months ago, 3s are sooo much worse than the "terrible twos". I didn't think my little boy was going to make it to his next birthday when he hit this stage! I was also beside myself and wondering what to do, I even thought about having him tested for various things, behavior/special needs/anger/FAS (since he's adopted), etc. Just when I had reached my wits end...he just sorta started snapping out of it. He spent many moons in the time out chair and now he rarely goes there. He was screaming, hitting the walls, hitting us, throwing things, etc. and it all just stopped. I think we had a battle of wills for about 2 months and he realized that he was NOT going to win and was making it tougher on himself by being a butt. Boys...they test us now and will certainly test us the rest of our lives but they are worth it. It's just a stage/faze Miriam and he will certainly get over it/through it soon. He's at the age where he is testing you and seeing what your limits are and what he can get away with, etc. Trust me I've been there! You are an awesome mom:)
Wow, almost sounds like Braden right now...not quite all the same behaviors but he is most definitely my challenge right now. I am doing the same thing saying lots of prayers on how to teach him. Good luck and know that you are not alone in feeling such feelings of frustration. it takes a strong woman to remain patient and loving to our little boys!
Post a Comment